The Week That Perished, Sunday – April 28

A Hollywood tram without action puts tourists in traction

The lead story in today’s Week That Perished concerns the tram ride accident at Universal Studios, Hollywood. It’s actually become a controversial topic around here. Universal is accused of downplaying the severity of the injuries, and, indeed, compliant news orgs are no longer mentioning the many injuries (including one critical) that resulted.

Universal draws a lot of water in this town...but not as much water as is on the brain of the poor bastard who was ejected head-first onto the pavement.

If you’ll recall, last Halloween I wrote about the fatal tram ride accident at Universal in 1986, when the tram ran over the actor – a black kid – playing Dracula during the park’s “Fright Night.”

Turns out Blacula’s one weakness isn’t a stake through the heart, but having his chest crushed by a heavy vehicle. Black Van Helsing doesn’t carry a cross and holy water; he drives a Bagger 288.

Also last week, at the subway station in front of Universal Studios, an insane black man let loose by Gascon stabbed a 66-year-old Nicaraguan grandma in the neck, killing her. Back when I had a season pass to Universal, I used to take that subway line every week, and the station was absolutely safe. But the trains are now so saturated with the wretched refuse Gascon’s dumped onto the city, technically you’re not safe anywhere at the moment, especially not any area outside Beverly Hills.

The subway stabbing was witnessed by a German tourist couple, who told the local news “Der schwarze verrückt auf die beanerfrauen ein stabbenzie toten gemacht.”

One assumes that after watching an old lady’s neck explode in an ocean of blood, the rather tame Mummy ride greatly disappointed those kraut tourists.

BTW, I mention in the column that Universal has traded its practical effects animatronic monsters for “3D movie experiences,” so these days the tram is nothing more than a bunch of assholes in 3D glasses watching movies as they crawl along at 5mph.

That’s why I stopped going. This pic is from my last visit: it’s me, porn girl, and porn girl’s kid brother (I REFUSED to wear the idiotic 3D glasses).

I took them to Universal to celebrate the kid’s 18^th birthday (you can see the “birthday badge” he’s wearing, which guarantees priority seating and first dibs on being ejected head-first onto the pavement).

Something huge and heavy was weighing down the Krustyland car…couldn’t figure out what it was.

High-five to me for the last year in my life I felt like leaving the fucking house.

While we were there, we ran into my ex, Amanda, stilt-walking at the Mummy ride. Technically, the performers are never allowed to touch the guests, but Amanda knows I like it rough.

And in this photo, friends, you have a once-in-a-lifetime meeting of the minds: Porn superstar Kirsten Lee (aka Kera Lynn), burlesque superstar Amanda Jordan (who once did a command performance for Sarah Palin when Palin was governor of Alaska – true story), and the banned and despised David Cole.

And to be fair, we ALL deserved to be ejected head-first from a fucking tram.

HERE’S THE WEEK THAT PERISHED!!! Please read and share.

https://www.takimag.com/article/the-week-that-perished-291/

And as always, feel free to Buy Me a Beer!