The Week That Perished: Viagra Falls
From hard-on bans to hardened Bannons, this Week's got somethin' for everyone!
In this week’s Week:
October brought no big surprise,
Bannon breaks his prison ties.
Dodgers riot as Yankees choke,
Pee-pee enhancer in Chinese Coke,
And a proud black mama goes for a soak.
The Week That Perished
As always, if you get a laugh, BUY ME A BEER!
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Did you have a good Halloween? I nearly got a scare, then I nearly gave a scare.
It was about 8:30pm and all the young trick-or-treaters and their parents had moved on. I was sitting in my living room, house dark, porch dark too, because although I love trick-or-treating in theory, in practice candy’s just too damn expensive these days, and I’m a Dave on a budget, so I’d been dark all night to avoid door-knocks.
Seriously, you remember when it was hip on Facebook to post “why isn’t organic healthy food inexpensive like fast food and candy?” Well, those posts are outdated as a Nehru jacket now, aren’t they? The fuck’s more expensive these days than fast food and candy? And where are the conspiracy nuts who always assign malevolent meanings to economic fluctuations? Why have the “evil conspirators” made bad food so expensive? This is actually making us healthier.
Explain that, Alex Jonesians.
Anyway, it’s 8:30pm and I’m watching a horror film, but cognizant of sounds outside, I hear distant chatter coming from the edge of my property. So I do my patented “creeping walk” (accompanied by a xylophone) to the blinds and peak through, and it’s some older boys — teens, unchaperoned. And the tall ones are egging on the short one to run up to my dark porch and ring the bell and pound on the door.
They don’t know that I’m listening to everything they’re saying.
So I get the idea that I’ll wait for the kid to run up the stairs to the pitch-dark porch, and right as he gets to the door, I’ll kick it open and scream “AHHHHROOOOGABOOOOGABLAAAAAAAH!” and scare the living shit out of him.
A devilish plan!
Except…then I remembered, I used to be one of those mischievous teens when I was that age, and I know how I would’ve responded if an adult scared me when I was trying to scare him: I’d have come back later and sacked the shit out of his house. TP in the trees, shaving cream on the garage door, flaming poo bag, rock through a window, sprinklers turned on, etc.
Yes, I wanted to give that little bastard a good scare, but not at the expense of cleaning up my front yard the next day. So I stood in my dark living room and let him have his little prank. The boy ran away giggling not knowing how close he came to pooping himself.
I was a Halloween hellraiser until 10th grade, when I learned the far greater thrill of spending the evening with a pretty young girly watching horror movies on my bed, instead of fagging around with dudes. Samhain is a festival of fear, not sausages.
So, no scares this Halloween.
The next night, however…well, I’ll save that story for next week.
My favorite line from this week's column: "Mail-order sales of the drug have skyrocketed for Aussie men looking to put their shrimp in a Barbie." Well done, Dave!
Here's a mischievous teen story from my youth, about 1978 when I was 15. My long deceased buddy had a neighbor who was "eccentric" the two of us miscreants decided to give him fright one Halloween. So we made us a remote detonated rather large firecracker out of an old felt tip marker, one of the big metal ones. Dug all the guts out and filled with the powder from two 12 gauge shotgun shells, put a single strand of wire inside there, connected to 100 feet of telephone wire. Planted it in his flower bed right next to the old bastard's porch, I was hidden across the street between two houses, my buddy knocked on his door and ran around the side of the house, when the dude stuck his head out I connected the last wire to one of those old 6 volt flashlight batteries, BOOOOM !!! Dirt and flowers went all over, I quickly rolled up the wire, and both of us got the hell out of the area, a good gag for sure.