Marvel needs to reboot Spider-Man: SHRIMP BROTHA, where a black man eats a radioactive shrimp at an all you can eat Red Lobster and it gives him the ability to swim.
Okay, that one was SO outrageous I had to check it out. Turns out it's a different pageant - "National American Miss Alabama" - a pay-to-play pageant for "unique" body types and old agers. Whew! If that beast had been the REAL Miss Alabama, I'd have completely lost it.
Ha- sorry Dave! I first read it in Babylon Bee, then went to check it out, so right- not the "real" Miss America Pageant, but how far away from having this "parallel universe" become our primary one? I mean 10 years ago could you have imagined Admiral Rachel Levine? or the 81 yr old Martha Stewart on the swimsuit cover of Sports Illustrated?
I feel sorry for girls like that fat "Miss Woke Alabama" , and then I mock them anyway - WTF is wrong with me?
I didn't think Red Lobster was that good even before I realized it was a favorite of the Kaffirs. However, they sometimes got the rolls just right.
One good thing about the Cracker Barrell is the clientele, though the food is laughably plain. I ended up there once, and the waitress could tell I felt sorry for her - so I gave her a big tip. I felt that could count as an indulgence if I were Catholic.
JW- I feel for these folks, but my bringing the issue up is not so much to mock them, but mock our society for trying to normalize what is an illness! Really unhealthy behavior! (There's a reason they call it "morbid "obesity!) If they were having Karen Carpenter level anorexics on as Miss America/ SI swimsuit models I'd mock that too. We are screwy for sure!!
Did you ever watch that show My 600 LB Life? In general, I'm usually an extremely sympathetic person. But in this case, I have no sympathy. I'll be sitting here screaming at the tv "Eat a fucking carrot." I know it's not everyone, some people truly try but if you're going to shove 5 Big Macs down your throat for lunch, well, you get what you pay for. But... but... let us celebrate diversity.
Oh, don't even get me started on them. If I find someone's backstory truly traumatic, I can sympathize with them. But most of the time it's more yelling. "Stop calling your filthy, rat-infested trash pile a collection." I think yelling might be one of my guilty pleasures.
Sandy C, not picking on you just using your post to reply to the much respected Cole-leatariat 😁🍀
Follow up to my prior unsympathetic comment.
I would love to eat Taco Bell every other day. I would love to eat Blackened Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo everyday. I would love to eat Pizza everyday. I wouldn't mind eating McDonalds or Burger King every other day.
I somewhat value my health so I don't succumb to such base desires.
My point being, these weak, crybabies lack the most minimal level of discipline.
Would not have taken that as being picked on. I get that point completely. I tend to eat healthy so that I can indulge here and there. I'm also active most of the day and I walk two miles after dinner. And Blackened Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo is one of my favorites. I love a good bacon double cheeseburger. Probably too much. Eat the damn carrot, get up and move. What really gets me is this: These people waited until they weighed 600+? You didn't see a problem when you hit 300?
" the entire 2,000-person tribe is hooked on porn and Twitter." This is like the conservatives who think living in a red state is going to save them, but wipe out all those geographical/cultural differences by giving their kids a smartphone. Why not just put a tranny in your living room while you're at it?
Their precious little Deborah-Lynn might get laughed at if she goes to school with a flip phone, and we can't have that. Then they'll send her to the state college thinking it's safe. All the "conservative" rednecks and Cajuns who root for LSU's football team never bother to walk through the departments and see what's taught. I took a state exam in the building with their Gender Studies Dept., and it's as bad as anything you'd see at Evergreen.
I gave my young kids smartphones and computers on one condition—they had to give me all their passwords. I never bothered to see what they were up to since I can hardly defend my own online activities, but I hope it kept them out of trouble.
The biggest benefit I gave my kids is that I really enjoyed their company, loved them, provided for them, and wasn't excessively offended by their liberal views—and they seem to be growing out of them. Thank you to HaShem.
Most of my high school friends grew out of their liberal views. It's amazing how many of us are on the right now. But I think it's fairly natural for kids to lean left when they're young. Although I can't speak as a parent, I assume it's just a matter of having parental patience during that "liberal idealistic" period.
Those of us who went through a leftie phase make the best conservatives because we saw the rot from the inside: Kathy Schaidle's stories about her anarchist marches in the 80s come to mind. The liberal excuse-making for the L.A. riots really started making me break away from the Left.
I've always been a conservative, even while young, and I've occasionally worried I'd become a liberal later because of the inverse of the phenomena you and Ol' Dave mentioned.
When I was 14, I was an Anglophile monarchist before swinging left at 15-16, and then going libertarian for most of my 20s/30s: "onward, comrades,, to 2 percent of the vote!"
Definitely one of the best TWTP to date - several audible chortles, and even a guffaw or two. Is there an inverse correlation between Dave’s vodka consumption and column quality? Further study required.
Funny enough, this week's pieces are a mix n' match. Several were written in May, when I was still drinking, several last week during sober June. I stay pretty even-keel, writing wise, regardless of inebriative state.
I've never been able to tell the difference between sober Dave's writing and drunk Dave's writing—it is equally great either way.
God only knows what his personality is like in real life, though. Even he admits he was a dick to his nerd friends...impatience & alcohol coupled with stinging, quick verbal ability can seem rude to those not immersed in such back and forth.
I've mellowed considerably in my older years, to the point where when I entertain visitors who come to L.A. and want to meet me, they go away disappointed that I'm such an even-keeled "nice guy." I think they want the acerbic wit of the column, but in person these days, I'm Fred McFriendly.
The Red Lobster piece reminded me of the last retail job I ever had. There was a 'diversity' video we had to watch even back then pre-George-Floyd. One of the executive VPs was a Black man and in introducing him, the CEO said something like, "He's just SO COOL. He plays BASS GUITAR!" The VP seemed like a nice enough guy and everything: good for him for landing this diversity job, I guess, I hope he bought some nice Rickenbacker basses with the money. But even the C-level execs introducing him didn't say anything about his business acumen, just like "here's our cool Black friend!"
It sounds like Red Lobster also hired a cool musician type and then expected him to actually be able to run a company. That's a big mistake!
There's actually something kinda refreshing in her writing style. Better than anything by Ibram X Kendi or any other of the Great Black Minds of our time. She has a piece on how entertained she is by homeless meltdowns on public transpo that is....interesting.
Every time I hear the name Emmett Till, I chuckle. Martin Short on SCTV had a faux commercial as Jerry Lewis hawking his new record, "Lewis Sings Dylan." Near the end he's reading all the Dylan song titles, and when he gets to "The Death of Emmett Till," he adds in, "oh, I didn't even know he was sick."
RE-SLAVING is a program where black people can sell other black people back into slavery, just like they did 400 years ago. China will be the main customer, followed by Democrats.
When you read contemporary accounts, such as Seneca and Philo, people who knew him well, the stories are indeed more mundane and they don't include rumor and innuendos until Suetontius and you can even see how they get inflated as time goes on in some cases. They did that with all the despotic ones and even recycled stories. He seems to have been ruthless but intelligent if not always clever, never insult your own bodygaurds. The turning the palace into a brothel story is the best but it is really him taking hostage his senatorial enemies´ wives and daughters.
I had to look up John Chau. What the heck was he thinking? Obviously, he wasn't. At least Michael Rockefeller was somewhat successful at opening his version of Red Lobster in Asmat. Enjoyed it, Dave.
Great column Dave - that pun about pac islanders n gays best pun of millennium (so far, wait for next week's column)
The "Red Lobster" section made me laugh. Friend of mine worked at dance bar n said black customers were not popular, they'd drink water and never tip, just dance all night. The non-black customers would order drinks + tip. Reminds me also of the place (sugar shack?) that sold 30 dollar milk shakes in Century City Mall - done in by people not paying bills.
It certainly is hard to imagine any kind of "endless seafood" deal. I'm no expert in restaurant-economics, but I've always had the sense that seafood is one of the higher-cost items. Our local branch of the American Legion has a Friday Fish Fry dinner for 9 bucks each week. Good deal. But at times they've had a breakfast buffet. Never any fish buffet offered. I've known of pizza buffets in the past before Covid in 2020. Even then the pizza which was put on the buffet never had anchovies. Fish and buffet have always been 2 separate quantities.
There used to be a place up the street from me that offered all-you-can-eat king crab legs! I was in heaven. It closed, long before Covid. I think the economics of that kind of thing are, indeed, challenging.
You have no idea how much I miss the Chinese Buffets that used to be everywhere. Those were the days...
Also I heard that the all you can eat shrimp promo wasn't the only one that backfired on Red Lobster: they also had an all the grape soda you can drink one as well.
The BEST all-you-can-eat place ever in L.A. was called Todai - right on the Bev Hills/West Hollywood border. All-you-can-eat crab legs, shrimp, and sushi. The foul Rosie and I would spend entire evenings there (there were no servers, but you could still tip the chefs).
> they also had an all the grape soda you can drink one as well.
If true, then that's also hard to understand. The usual thing is endless refills of iced tea. That makes sense since I recall as a kid making tea using the same tea bag multiple times. The quantity of drinkable tea which can be made off of a fixed set of tea grains is probably huge. So, unless there are high costs for water which need to be taken into account, you can sort of plan on making "endless tea" from a fixed quantity of tea leaves. Grape soda, I'm sure, has to be ordered from a manufacturer and the cost should be constant.
Muhammadans have a sure cure for a.i.d.s./h.i.v., it's a free flight thorough the air off the tall end of any multi-story building. Human Frisbees. They will become allies with the ground. Plop - Plop - Fizz - Fizz. https://youtu.be/G4YF_bUrmf8?feature=shared
Some weeks bless you with more material than others!
This was a TWTP bounty!
Cheers!
Pride Month always brings a bounty!
And you can never miss with blacks & food.
Marvel needs to reboot Spider-Man: SHRIMP BROTHA, where a black man eats a radioactive shrimp at an all you can eat Red Lobster and it gives him the ability to swim.
LOL!!!!
Instead of Aunt May, he lives with Grandma Shaniqua (who, at 40, is the oldest grandmother on the block).
I love it!
The jab at Kristi Noem was masterful.
Thank you!
I heard those dog crushing videos are Dr Fauci's side hustle.
LOL!!!!
Speaking of-- have you seen the new Miss Alabama??? A perfect alliance of both!
https://www.marca.com/en/lifestyle/us-news/2024/06/07/6662f751268e3e7f358b45c5.html
Okay, that one was SO outrageous I had to check it out. Turns out it's a different pageant - "National American Miss Alabama" - a pay-to-play pageant for "unique" body types and old agers. Whew! If that beast had been the REAL Miss Alabama, I'd have completely lost it.
Ha- sorry Dave! I first read it in Babylon Bee, then went to check it out, so right- not the "real" Miss America Pageant, but how far away from having this "parallel universe" become our primary one? I mean 10 years ago could you have imagined Admiral Rachel Levine? or the 81 yr old Martha Stewart on the swimsuit cover of Sports Illustrated?
Kate - I also saw that in the Bee. Cowardice got the better of me, I decided against checking it out.
I feel sorry for girls like that fat "Miss Woke Alabama" , and then I mock them anyway - WTF is wrong with me?
I didn't think Red Lobster was that good even before I realized it was a favorite of the Kaffirs. However, they sometimes got the rolls just right.
One good thing about the Cracker Barrell is the clientele, though the food is laughably plain. I ended up there once, and the waitress could tell I felt sorry for her - so I gave her a big tip. I felt that could count as an indulgence if I were Catholic.
the bummer about Cracker Barrel is you can't git any moonshine there!!
JW- I feel for these folks, but my bringing the issue up is not so much to mock them, but mock our society for trying to normalize what is an illness! Really unhealthy behavior! (There's a reason they call it "morbid "obesity!) If they were having Karen Carpenter level anorexics on as Miss America/ SI swimsuit models I'd mock that too. We are screwy for sure!!
Did you ever watch that show My 600 LB Life? In general, I'm usually an extremely sympathetic person. But in this case, I have no sympathy. I'll be sitting here screaming at the tv "Eat a fucking carrot." I know it's not everyone, some people truly try but if you're going to shove 5 Big Macs down your throat for lunch, well, you get what you pay for. But... but... let us celebrate diversity.
I liked 1000 pound sisters when it would come on the TV at work. That 1000 pounds is not evenly distributed and it creates a hell of a dynamic.
Absolutely Zero Pity Whatsoever. Back away from the table Heathen. Pathetic
Sandy- yes, like Hoarders, one of my guilty pleasures!!! I do have sympathy, but probably more pity!
Oh, don't even get me started on them. If I find someone's backstory truly traumatic, I can sympathize with them. But most of the time it's more yelling. "Stop calling your filthy, rat-infested trash pile a collection." I think yelling might be one of my guilty pleasures.
Sandy C, not picking on you just using your post to reply to the much respected Cole-leatariat 😁🍀
Follow up to my prior unsympathetic comment.
I would love to eat Taco Bell every other day. I would love to eat Blackened Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo everyday. I would love to eat Pizza everyday. I wouldn't mind eating McDonalds or Burger King every other day.
I somewhat value my health so I don't succumb to such base desires.
My point being, these weak, crybabies lack the most minimal level of discipline.
Zero Sympathy
Would not have taken that as being picked on. I get that point completely. I tend to eat healthy so that I can indulge here and there. I'm also active most of the day and I walk two miles after dinner. And Blackened Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo is one of my favorites. I love a good bacon double cheeseburger. Probably too much. Eat the damn carrot, get up and move. What really gets me is this: These people waited until they weighed 600+? You didn't see a problem when you hit 300?
" the entire 2,000-person tribe is hooked on porn and Twitter." This is like the conservatives who think living in a red state is going to save them, but wipe out all those geographical/cultural differences by giving their kids a smartphone. Why not just put a tranny in your living room while you're at it?
LOL! Too true.
Their precious little Deborah-Lynn might get laughed at if she goes to school with a flip phone, and we can't have that. Then they'll send her to the state college thinking it's safe. All the "conservative" rednecks and Cajuns who root for LSU's football team never bother to walk through the departments and see what's taught. I took a state exam in the building with their Gender Studies Dept., and it's as bad as anything you'd see at Evergreen.
"The three purposes of the University? To provide sex for the students, sports for the alumni, and parking for the faculty." --Clark Kerr
perhaps the viral spread from Nola??
I gave my young kids smartphones and computers on one condition—they had to give me all their passwords. I never bothered to see what they were up to since I can hardly defend my own online activities, but I hope it kept them out of trouble.
The biggest benefit I gave my kids is that I really enjoyed their company, loved them, provided for them, and wasn't excessively offended by their liberal views—and they seem to be growing out of them. Thank you to HaShem.
Most of my high school friends grew out of their liberal views. It's amazing how many of us are on the right now. But I think it's fairly natural for kids to lean left when they're young. Although I can't speak as a parent, I assume it's just a matter of having parental patience during that "liberal idealistic" period.
Those of us who went through a leftie phase make the best conservatives because we saw the rot from the inside: Kathy Schaidle's stories about her anarchist marches in the 80s come to mind. The liberal excuse-making for the L.A. riots really started making me break away from the Left.
I've always been a conservative, even while young, and I've occasionally worried I'd become a liberal later because of the inverse of the phenomena you and Ol' Dave mentioned.
When I was 14, I was an Anglophile monarchist before swinging left at 15-16, and then going libertarian for most of my 20s/30s: "onward, comrades,, to 2 percent of the vote!"
I think so, as well. Also, my own kids having "temporary" left-wing views makes me think there is some hope for this country.
Definitely one of the best TWTP to date - several audible chortles, and even a guffaw or two. Is there an inverse correlation between Dave’s vodka consumption and column quality? Further study required.
Funny enough, this week's pieces are a mix n' match. Several were written in May, when I was still drinking, several last week during sober June. I stay pretty even-keel, writing wise, regardless of inebriative state.
Exactly why I said further study required. I like my authors to be alcohol tolerant, whether Hemingway or Cole.
I've never been able to tell the difference between sober Dave's writing and drunk Dave's writing—it is equally great either way.
God only knows what his personality is like in real life, though. Even he admits he was a dick to his nerd friends...impatience & alcohol coupled with stinging, quick verbal ability can seem rude to those not immersed in such back and forth.
I've mellowed considerably in my older years, to the point where when I entertain visitors who come to L.A. and want to meet me, they go away disappointed that I'm such an even-keeled "nice guy." I think they want the acerbic wit of the column, but in person these days, I'm Fred McFriendly.
Fred McFriendly? That kind of makes you sound like the neighborhood perv. Why not just call yourself Lester?
The Red Lobster piece reminded me of the last retail job I ever had. There was a 'diversity' video we had to watch even back then pre-George-Floyd. One of the executive VPs was a Black man and in introducing him, the CEO said something like, "He's just SO COOL. He plays BASS GUITAR!" The VP seemed like a nice enough guy and everything: good for him for landing this diversity job, I guess, I hope he bought some nice Rickenbacker basses with the money. But even the C-level execs introducing him didn't say anything about his business acumen, just like "here's our cool Black friend!"
It sounds like Red Lobster also hired a cool musician type and then expected him to actually be able to run a company. That's a big mistake!
All I know is that Keanisha M Johnson keep it real.
The account of her Red Lobster meltdown experience is a post-Floyd "Letters from Iwo Jima"....
LOL!!!! A tome for the ages!
She doesn't limit herself to Cheddar Biscuit-induced trauma. Sex tips and a near-BREONNA TAYLOR experience with a "launching" rayciss-ass dog!!!
https://medium.com/@keanishar/the-day-i-felt-like-breonna-taylor-dbf2f127b18a
https://medium.com/@keanishar/is-your-sex-life-boring-do-this-now-e53b5cca497d
She's a voice for our time! A real Jonathan Not-Too-Swift.
There's actually something kinda refreshing in her writing style. Better than anything by Ibram X Kendi or any other of the Great Black Minds of our time. She has a piece on how entertained she is by homeless meltdowns on public transpo that is....interesting.
Every time I hear the name Emmett Till, I chuckle. Martin Short on SCTV had a faux commercial as Jerry Lewis hawking his new record, "Lewis Sings Dylan." Near the end he's reading all the Dylan song titles, and when he gets to "The Death of Emmett Till," he adds in, "oh, I didn't even know he was sick."
I remember that sketch well. Yes, even funnier now!
It was funny then but it's way funnier now.
Dave - it's really hard to tell the diff between drinking and not. All I needed to see was LGBLT. I almost cried.
LOL!
😁
Fine work this week, Mr. Cole.
May you live for ten thousand years!
Much appreciated, my friend!
Absolutely hilarious, great opening, I’m still laughing so hard it hurts, thanks, David you’re hurting me.
But it's a good hurt!
RE-SLAVING is a program where black people can sell other black people back into slavery, just like they did 400 years ago. China will be the main customer, followed by Democrats.
Hi Dave! This week's round up was news from clown world indeed! I wonder if Rome was a freak show right before it fell as well.
Most certainly! And they probably had their own Davidus Colius chronicling it.
When you read contemporary accounts, such as Seneca and Philo, people who knew him well, the stories are indeed more mundane and they don't include rumor and innuendos until Suetontius and you can even see how they get inflated as time goes on in some cases. They did that with all the despotic ones and even recycled stories. He seems to have been ruthless but intelligent if not always clever, never insult your own bodygaurds. The turning the palace into a brothel story is the best but it is really him taking hostage his senatorial enemies´ wives and daughters.
I had to look up John Chau. What the heck was he thinking? Obviously, he wasn't. At least Michael Rockefeller was somewhat successful at opening his version of Red Lobster in Asmat. Enjoyed it, Dave.
Thanks!
Great column Dave - that pun about pac islanders n gays best pun of millennium (so far, wait for next week's column)
The "Red Lobster" section made me laugh. Friend of mine worked at dance bar n said black customers were not popular, they'd drink water and never tip, just dance all night. The non-black customers would order drinks + tip. Reminds me also of the place (sugar shack?) that sold 30 dollar milk shakes in Century City Mall - done in by people not paying bills.
Close! The restaurant was called Sugar Factory, now known by its new name, empty husk.
Very glad you enjoyed this week's Week!
It certainly is hard to imagine any kind of "endless seafood" deal. I'm no expert in restaurant-economics, but I've always had the sense that seafood is one of the higher-cost items. Our local branch of the American Legion has a Friday Fish Fry dinner for 9 bucks each week. Good deal. But at times they've had a breakfast buffet. Never any fish buffet offered. I've known of pizza buffets in the past before Covid in 2020. Even then the pizza which was put on the buffet never had anchovies. Fish and buffet have always been 2 separate quantities.
There used to be a place up the street from me that offered all-you-can-eat king crab legs! I was in heaven. It closed, long before Covid. I think the economics of that kind of thing are, indeed, challenging.
You have no idea how much I miss the Chinese Buffets that used to be everywhere. Those were the days...
Also I heard that the all you can eat shrimp promo wasn't the only one that backfired on Red Lobster: they also had an all the grape soda you can drink one as well.
LOL!!!!
The BEST all-you-can-eat place ever in L.A. was called Todai - right on the Bev Hills/West Hollywood border. All-you-can-eat crab legs, shrimp, and sushi. The foul Rosie and I would spend entire evenings there (there were no servers, but you could still tip the chefs).
Come to Texas, my friend - you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Chinese buffet around these parts.
> they also had an all the grape soda you can drink one as well.
If true, then that's also hard to understand. The usual thing is endless refills of iced tea. That makes sense since I recall as a kid making tea using the same tea bag multiple times. The quantity of drinkable tea which can be made off of a fixed set of tea grains is probably huge. So, unless there are high costs for water which need to be taken into account, you can sort of plan on making "endless tea" from a fixed quantity of tea leaves. Grape soda, I'm sure, has to be ordered from a manufacturer and the cost should be constant.
The BLM "protest" of Red Lobster's closure is satire. I checked because damn.
Damn, I missed that. Just yesterday I caught the "fat Miss Alabama" misinfo. Well, can't always bat 1000.
Thank you for back story of X's new porn policy.
Muhammadans have a sure cure for a.i.d.s./h.i.v., it's a free flight thorough the air off the tall end of any multi-story building. Human Frisbees. They will become allies with the ground. Plop - Plop - Fizz - Fizz. https://youtu.be/G4YF_bUrmf8?feature=shared
LOL!