FYI, I just reordered everything I didn't get yesterday. I couldn't reorder last night until I knew that DoorDash had "uncoupled" me from Askar. Literally, had I reordered last night, with Askar working the area, the entire fucking thing could've repeated. So this morning, freed of Askar, I ordered again, delivered by LaShawnay in a Mercedes C-Class. and she arrived in three minutes and she was charming and perky and it all went well. Thank you, Mongol, for making "foundational blacks" look good by comparison.
We gave up a rational and decent society to import fat fuckers like Askar to construct a situation in which we are effectively enslaved by them.
You are right to criticize our political system and to instruct us as conservatives to see what rational policies we can utilize to mitigate the damage.
This sucks being stuck in the time between competent trustworthy people and competent trustworthy robots. Robots without an anus, I might add. Have hope, Dave, that your liver will survive long enough to experience Fabio 5000 delivering fresh Stouffers within minutes, and blow whatever you need with a smile. Until then, chew another Lithium.
As I read these comments I realize that your very small group of dedicated supporters are like minded (schizophrenic). Maybe you can share your Lithium with them. Try Drugdash. They won't eat your delivery.
In all truth I've never visited a therapist or psychologist or used psychotropics in my life. Jokes aside, my sanity is to me what fallen leaves are to Mexicans. It defines me.
After the free 1/2 hour visit, I doubt a therapist or psychologist would have you. They want malleable. You are hardened. You would analyze them, expose them, insult every thread of their fabric. You would hurt them, cruel Dave. They would need happy pills, you would go back to your rum.
Norm Macdonalds therapy story is the best. He said the psychiatrist says, you gamble to take your mind off your problems. And Norm says, isn’t that why anyone does anything
Dave, are absolutely sure that AssCar is in fact an ethnic Mongolian? Sounds more like a Uyger or Uzbek, a stoned Mongol would have at least drove through your freshly painted garage door and then barbecued Ratibor to take care of his munchies.
I woulda yelled @ anybody who sat on his ass in the car for that long in the damned parkin' lot too, even if he was a real Mongol instead of a Kazakh or Tajikistani. Most Mongol dudes are named Erdenebat, Munkhbayar and such like, half the gals are named Battsetseg. Even though I have spent almost $3,200 booking air transport for my summer visit to Mongolia you're still gonna get beers before New Years.
Dave, it's getting close to the time when you're going to have to bite the bullet and actually go down to the Von's in person. Shop like your grandma did...
Yeah, not sure you guys know what alcoholism is. It's not like what you see on TV. It's not charming like Dean Martin. It's debilitating. I don't recommend it. Seriously, I don't recommend it.
Serious question: Have you considered getting out of LA (CA) -- not Hogfuck, NE; nor Asscrack, MN -- but somewhere cheaper as in Sunny (and Humid) FL? Right down the alley from where your best friend resides?
Sometimes in life, a change in climate can buy you some better times. You would also have the joy of missing LA.
It's a good question, my friend. But I like it here. I really do. I am, after all, a history guy. And I like that I have 56 years of history here, that I know every crack and crevice on the Westside as it they were my own palm wrinkles. Also, because my house is grandfathered by Proposition 13, it would actually be MORE expensive for me to move elsewhere. Even to Flurrrrida. Also, I hate the heat. I REALLY hate heat and humidity. So in Flurrrrrrda I'd spend a shitload on air conditioning. Plus, I love actresses. I want to be where the bimbos are. It's where I belong; bimbo central. West L.A./Beverly Hills really is a nice place to live. Warm but never hot except for the last weeks in August, maybe less rain than I'd like, but I can go to the market and meet a bimbo who's like "ERR MERRR GERRRRD, YERR IN CERSTING? I'M AN ERRCTRESS" and I have immediate rapport. I don't know what they talk about in Palm Beach, but likely it's not casting. "ERR MERR GERRD, LERK ERT MY YERRRRCHT." Well, what I know about yachts you could fit in a Mongolian's tiny dick tip.
Pretty, skinny bimbos and wonderful weather are indeed hard to beat.
But everything else about LA, such as $500 per night to stay in a hotel room downtown, or $2200 a month to live in a rabbit hutch, and fucking traffic from hell, can wear a person down.
"A person," sure, but not me. I don't drive, I have a job that I can do from home, and thanks to Prop 13 my property taxes are incredibly reasonable compared to the national average. Even my HOA dues are decent. That tech genius friend I mentioned, his HOA dues are $1600 a month. A MONTH. Mine are $800 a year, for round-the-clock armed security. I can live with that.
Damn, Dave, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. However, I can relate! We live in a society that no longer values meritocracy, minimum standards, good work ethic, and many other things we expect while living in the United States.
It's too bad that Trader Joe's doesn't deliver. They're not perfect, and some household items aren't available. However, they're superior to any other grocer, affordable, and make it easier to eat healthy since their private label items are non-GMO and don't have unnecessary chemicals, preservatives, artificial flavors/colors, etc. And they always have friendly, competent employees.
Although, if you're eating mainstream frozen dinners and drinking copious amounts of rum, you probably couldn't care less. Lol!
Hang in there. We're likely much closer to nuclear annihilation.
I know how much you love memes, so here's one I found on social media misattributed to Sun Tzu, "An evil man will burn his own nation to the ground to rule over the ashes," which is consistent with U.S. foreign policy regardless of who's in power.
You're correct that I don't think much of nutrition. Although being plagued by gout this year led to me cutting out several things, mainly any sugary drinks (soft drinks, high-fructose fruit drinks). But generally, gimme a hamburger, a bucket of KFC, and rum and I'm content. I don't order KFC, though, because they don't use tamper-proof packaging and no way I'm trusting that bucket of chicken in a car with Daquan.
That story is true, and my refusal is true. But as I told my friend, I need only three things in life: a toilet, a shower, and a bed. I told him to reserve his generous assistance for a time when one of those things needs replacement.
This is a sad story. Mongolians are naturally timid people who are afraid of social situations and mostly live in yerts of skin and drink a yak beverage made from curdles. Centuries ago they conquered most of the world as a horde, but then they ran out of options. Now they live mostly on the outskirts of nature and human civilization on the steps of central Asia. You shouldn´t yell at one. Stop being a dick.
I know that deep down you have a very soft heart. Nonetheless, when you yelled at him, all he could see was the face of a JAPANESE DEATH OFFICER. Mongolians have a deathly fear of the Japanese. This is why: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-By0PaX657k
I think I finally understand why there are all those Jap animes in which young girls in sailor or school uniforms get beaten up or karate'd. If I had to live surrounded by girls that obnoxious, I'd pay money to see them neck-chopped too.
The weed thing is really bad, I smell it every single day in parking lots, on people in grocery stores. Whatever this new Frankenstein stuff they sell in the dispensaries seems intended to put the German Shepards at the police dept out of business because you don't have to be a dog anymore to smell it from a mile away.
I was shopping Home Depot watching a Guatemalan put on a backpack leafblower. He hugged another to his chest and dashed out the door into the back of a truck that sped away. I was impressed by his career commitment. Has anyone collected and compared ethnicity to the types of items they steal?
Excellent story, Dave, but I was wondering - since the Vons seems to be walking distance, why not get a small folding cart and get your grub the old fashioned way, on foot? Think of the $$$ saved on booze alone. Plus, good exercise. Being a rational man, you have a reason - just curious what it is.
Yes, my good friend. My reason is that I'm a real alcoholic. Not a Dean Martin/Foster Brooks pretend alcoholic, but a genuine one. When I'm doing a sober month, I have all the energy in the world to walk up the street. But I've resolved to drink through New Years, so my day is nothing but that. I've no energy for anything but to write my column and respond to emails. Even putting my trash cans at the curb is a Herculean effort. When I sober up again, likely sometime in January, I'll walk to the store again.
You are correct my friend! Rum's all I drink these days. You get the 80 proof of vodka without the taste of paint thinner that accompanies it. It would actually be quite nice to see you again.
Ha ha! Hell yes! This is the Dave we all love! Ranting, raving, rootin' tootin', yelling at idiots! Yes Dave, YES!
I think that part of why we love it, is because we all have to deal with all this stupid shit, and dumb, stoned, lazy morons at every turn, and even the few times that we all decide to finally, "freak the fuck out" on people, isn't enough to shed our rage about how frustrating everything has become.
As I keep telling people- It's Systemic! It's everywhere. Fast food employees, grocery store clerks, idiot Uber drivers, even so-called "educated professionals" in what, one would believe, are highly technical industries.
Well Dave, as the saying goes "You're not the hero we need, but you are the hero we deserve!" (or something like that, I can't remember, but either way, you're our hero, as we wade through this morass called "modern America" together, trying to keep the stoned morons from accidentally killing us, or driving us out of our goddamned minds!
Cheers My Friend! You brought a big smile to my face with this one, as I am in the middle of dealing with these same stupidity levels, only in the US Military Industrial Complex, where being a "stupid government stooge" is some kind of competitive Extreme Sport, but instead of spectacular "agony of defeat" like crashes, it's just dull buffoonery with $500 hammers.
I thought I had bought Dave his Christmas beers, but this was a story of such sadness and poignancy that I broke down and bought another round. Of course, when CA’s minimum wage goes up to $16.50 in January stuff like this will surely cease.
Dave, why don't you just order from a different fucking store? Do you have shipt.com there? I bet you do. It's like Door Dash; they'll send the driver into many different stores, whichever you choose, and they'll pick out the food. Here in Florida, I can pick from Publix, Target, and Winn-Dixie. I'm sure there are others, but I always use Publix because, while more expensive, the shit is always fresh.
We don't have Publix here but your point is nevertheless valid. I use Vons because it's three minutes away. When the process goes well, I get stuff very fresh. The nearest Ralphs is many minutes farther away. But I think I have to try it, because my patience with the current situation is running out. Funny enough, there's a Pavilions (the higher-end Vons brand) very close to me, but they refuse online orders.
FYI, I just reordered everything I didn't get yesterday. I couldn't reorder last night until I knew that DoorDash had "uncoupled" me from Askar. Literally, had I reordered last night, with Askar working the area, the entire fucking thing could've repeated. So this morning, freed of Askar, I ordered again, delivered by LaShawnay in a Mercedes C-Class. and she arrived in three minutes and she was charming and perky and it all went well. Thank you, Mongol, for making "foundational blacks" look good by comparison.
We gave up a rational and decent society to import fat fuckers like Askar to construct a situation in which we are effectively enslaved by them.
You are right to criticize our political system and to instruct us as conservatives to see what rational policies we can utilize to mitigate the damage.
"TAKE THE FOOD BACK, YOU FUCKING MONGOLOID!"
"I'M KOREAN"
LOL! I based my assumption on the fact that Askar can be a Mongolian name. But Fatty McFuckup could possibly be from several surrounding nations.
A Mongolian is just a Kazakh with Down Syndrome
LOL!!!!! Favorite comment of the day.
I thought that stoners are usually skinny, owing to the emotional satisfaction from getting high overcoming the need for emotional support from food.
You never heard of the munchies?
I've heard of it but all the potheads I knew where skinny anyways.
This sucks being stuck in the time between competent trustworthy people and competent trustworthy robots. Robots without an anus, I might add. Have hope, Dave, that your liver will survive long enough to experience Fabio 5000 delivering fresh Stouffers within minutes, and blow whatever you need with a smile. Until then, chew another Lithium.
LOL!!!!!!!!!
As I read these comments I realize that your very small group of dedicated supporters are like minded (schizophrenic). Maybe you can share your Lithium with them. Try Drugdash. They won't eat your delivery.
In all truth I've never visited a therapist or psychologist or used psychotropics in my life. Jokes aside, my sanity is to me what fallen leaves are to Mexicans. It defines me.
A fucking gift, good sir!
Someone has to create the sayings the Hoi Poi endlessly repeat. I love hearing them the first time.
After the free 1/2 hour visit, I doubt a therapist or psychologist would have you. They want malleable. You are hardened. You would analyze them, expose them, insult every thread of their fabric. You would hurt them, cruel Dave. They would need happy pills, you would go back to your rum.
Norm Macdonalds therapy story is the best. He said the psychiatrist says, you gamble to take your mind off your problems. And Norm says, isn’t that why anyone does anything
Dave, are absolutely sure that AssCar is in fact an ethnic Mongolian? Sounds more like a Uyger or Uzbek, a stoned Mongol would have at least drove through your freshly painted garage door and then barbecued Ratibor to take care of his munchies.
LOL!!!!!
Uzbeks? If you drove, Dave, he would've drank your battery fluid.
Not if Giorgy had any say in it...comrade.
I woulda yelled @ anybody who sat on his ass in the car for that long in the damned parkin' lot too, even if he was a real Mongol instead of a Kazakh or Tajikistani. Most Mongol dudes are named Erdenebat, Munkhbayar and such like, half the gals are named Battsetseg. Even though I have spent almost $3,200 booking air transport for my summer visit to Mongolia you're still gonna get beers before New Years.
So you had a...
Mongolian Beef???
LOL! Thanks, Mike - that made me laugh out loud.
"He's a hardboiled reclusive private dick in LA, fighting food poisoning. Can he survive in COLE LAND? Coming December, 2029."
LOL!!!!!!!
Dave, it's getting close to the time when you're going to have to bite the bullet and actually go down to the Von's in person. Shop like your grandma did...
Just saying...
Yeah, my thought too, couldn't Dave walk to the Vons? Get some exercise and some of that California sun!
Yeah, not sure you guys know what alcoholism is. It's not like what you see on TV. It's not charming like Dean Martin. It's debilitating. I don't recommend it. Seriously, I don't recommend it.
Serious question: Have you considered getting out of LA (CA) -- not Hogfuck, NE; nor Asscrack, MN -- but somewhere cheaper as in Sunny (and Humid) FL? Right down the alley from where your best friend resides?
Sometimes in life, a change in climate can buy you some better times. You would also have the joy of missing LA.
My worthless 2 cents.
It's a good question, my friend. But I like it here. I really do. I am, after all, a history guy. And I like that I have 56 years of history here, that I know every crack and crevice on the Westside as it they were my own palm wrinkles. Also, because my house is grandfathered by Proposition 13, it would actually be MORE expensive for me to move elsewhere. Even to Flurrrrida. Also, I hate the heat. I REALLY hate heat and humidity. So in Flurrrrrrda I'd spend a shitload on air conditioning. Plus, I love actresses. I want to be where the bimbos are. It's where I belong; bimbo central. West L.A./Beverly Hills really is a nice place to live. Warm but never hot except for the last weeks in August, maybe less rain than I'd like, but I can go to the market and meet a bimbo who's like "ERR MERRR GERRRRD, YERR IN CERSTING? I'M AN ERRCTRESS" and I have immediate rapport. I don't know what they talk about in Palm Beach, but likely it's not casting. "ERR MERR GERRD, LERK ERT MY YERRRRCHT." Well, what I know about yachts you could fit in a Mongolian's tiny dick tip.
Pretty, skinny bimbos and wonderful weather are indeed hard to beat.
But everything else about LA, such as $500 per night to stay in a hotel room downtown, or $2200 a month to live in a rabbit hutch, and fucking traffic from hell, can wear a person down.
"A person," sure, but not me. I don't drive, I have a job that I can do from home, and thanks to Prop 13 my property taxes are incredibly reasonable compared to the national average. Even my HOA dues are decent. That tech genius friend I mentioned, his HOA dues are $1600 a month. A MONTH. Mine are $800 a year, for round-the-clock armed security. I can live with that.
Didn't Martin just drink apple juice anyway?
Yeah, I heard he was a faker. Like Foster Brooks. Assholes!
Damn, Dave, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. However, I can relate! We live in a society that no longer values meritocracy, minimum standards, good work ethic, and many other things we expect while living in the United States.
It's too bad that Trader Joe's doesn't deliver. They're not perfect, and some household items aren't available. However, they're superior to any other grocer, affordable, and make it easier to eat healthy since their private label items are non-GMO and don't have unnecessary chemicals, preservatives, artificial flavors/colors, etc. And they always have friendly, competent employees.
Although, if you're eating mainstream frozen dinners and drinking copious amounts of rum, you probably couldn't care less. Lol!
Hang in there. We're likely much closer to nuclear annihilation.
I know how much you love memes, so here's one I found on social media misattributed to Sun Tzu, "An evil man will burn his own nation to the ground to rule over the ashes," which is consistent with U.S. foreign policy regardless of who's in power.
You're correct that I don't think much of nutrition. Although being plagued by gout this year led to me cutting out several things, mainly any sugary drinks (soft drinks, high-fructose fruit drinks). But generally, gimme a hamburger, a bucket of KFC, and rum and I'm content. I don't order KFC, though, because they don't use tamper-proof packaging and no way I'm trusting that bucket of chicken in a car with Daquan.
Dave, if a friend truly offered to replace your sink, take the help! You deserve it, being a free-speech martyr and all.....
That story is true, and my refusal is true. But as I told my friend, I need only three things in life: a toilet, a shower, and a bed. I told him to reserve his generous assistance for a time when one of those things needs replacement.
It's funny b/c I believed Ann C. could get Peter Thiel to throw you some much-deserved assistance, and I wasn't that far off!
This is a sad story. Mongolians are naturally timid people who are afraid of social situations and mostly live in yerts of skin and drink a yak beverage made from curdles. Centuries ago they conquered most of the world as a horde, but then they ran out of options. Now they live mostly on the outskirts of nature and human civilization on the steps of central Asia. You shouldn´t yell at one. Stop being a dick.
I'll yell at ANYONE who thaws my cheap frozen dinners. But yeah, he had timidity in his eyes. I would not have yelled at a Daquan.
I know that deep down you have a very soft heart. Nonetheless, when you yelled at him, all he could see was the face of a JAPANESE DEATH OFFICER. Mongolians have a deathly fear of the Japanese. This is why: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-By0PaX657k
I think I finally understand why there are all those Jap animes in which young girls in sailor or school uniforms get beaten up or karate'd. If I had to live surrounded by girls that obnoxious, I'd pay money to see them neck-chopped too.
At least it's not a Mongolian Nazi rap video that samples the Carpenters
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jJNNttOKZFY
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-38181139
"My son was hit in the face several times with a metal object and was seriously injured. His brain was seriously hurt,"
Hurt but not damaged, like Kamala Harris.
I think it´s Dave Cole's friend, Money Mark, is behind all this.
"My pussy so tight! Nay, nay, nay, nay!"
The weed thing is really bad, I smell it every single day in parking lots, on people in grocery stores. Whatever this new Frankenstein stuff they sell in the dispensaries seems intended to put the German Shepards at the police dept out of business because you don't have to be a dog anymore to smell it from a mile away.
I was shopping Home Depot watching a Guatemalan put on a backpack leafblower. He hugged another to his chest and dashed out the door into the back of a truck that sped away. I was impressed by his career commitment. Has anyone collected and compared ethnicity to the types of items they steal?
Excellent story, Dave, but I was wondering - since the Vons seems to be walking distance, why not get a small folding cart and get your grub the old fashioned way, on foot? Think of the $$$ saved on booze alone. Plus, good exercise. Being a rational man, you have a reason - just curious what it is.
Yes, my good friend. My reason is that I'm a real alcoholic. Not a Dean Martin/Foster Brooks pretend alcoholic, but a genuine one. When I'm doing a sober month, I have all the energy in the world to walk up the street. But I've resolved to drink through New Years, so my day is nothing but that. I've no energy for anything but to write my column and respond to emails. Even putting my trash cans at the curb is a Herculean effort. When I sober up again, likely sometime in January, I'll walk to the store again.
What kind of liquor do you want me to bring you during Christmas week?
I'm bringing Mark Italian cookies made with RFK-jr approved lard. Something tells me you would prefer booze.
You are correct my friend! Rum's all I drink these days. You get the 80 proof of vodka without the taste of paint thinner that accompanies it. It would actually be quite nice to see you again.
Count on it. Dark or white rum?
If the rum's cheap, white. If it's a good brand, dark. Lesson learned the hard way over time.
Ha ha! Hell yes! This is the Dave we all love! Ranting, raving, rootin' tootin', yelling at idiots! Yes Dave, YES!
I think that part of why we love it, is because we all have to deal with all this stupid shit, and dumb, stoned, lazy morons at every turn, and even the few times that we all decide to finally, "freak the fuck out" on people, isn't enough to shed our rage about how frustrating everything has become.
As I keep telling people- It's Systemic! It's everywhere. Fast food employees, grocery store clerks, idiot Uber drivers, even so-called "educated professionals" in what, one would believe, are highly technical industries.
Well Dave, as the saying goes "You're not the hero we need, but you are the hero we deserve!" (or something like that, I can't remember, but either way, you're our hero, as we wade through this morass called "modern America" together, trying to keep the stoned morons from accidentally killing us, or driving us out of our goddamned minds!
Cheers My Friend! You brought a big smile to my face with this one, as I am in the middle of dealing with these same stupidity levels, only in the US Military Industrial Complex, where being a "stupid government stooge" is some kind of competitive Extreme Sport, but instead of spectacular "agony of defeat" like crashes, it's just dull buffoonery with $500 hammers.
Beers Bought Buddy!
Mike, you're a great friend whose support is appreciated more than I can say. Thank you for the beers, my very good buddy.
I thought I had bought Dave his Christmas beers, but this was a story of such sadness and poignancy that I broke down and bought another round. Of course, when CA’s minimum wage goes up to $16.50 in January stuff like this will surely cease.
You're a great friend Brian and I thank you. Merry Christmas, buddy. Best holiday wishes to you and yours.
Dave, why don't you just order from a different fucking store? Do you have shipt.com there? I bet you do. It's like Door Dash; they'll send the driver into many different stores, whichever you choose, and they'll pick out the food. Here in Florida, I can pick from Publix, Target, and Winn-Dixie. I'm sure there are others, but I always use Publix because, while more expensive, the shit is always fresh.
We don't have Publix here but your point is nevertheless valid. I use Vons because it's three minutes away. When the process goes well, I get stuff very fresh. The nearest Ralphs is many minutes farther away. But I think I have to try it, because my patience with the current situation is running out. Funny enough, there's a Pavilions (the higher-end Vons brand) very close to me, but they refuse online orders.
Do they have Piggly Wiggly'S? I'd hate to see what their drivers look like.
Does Erewhon deliver?? Indeed, and I'll bet they do it right!
https://erewhon.com/