Regrets...and Thanks

The "thanks" is what matters

I want to thank you all for getting my GiveSendGo over the line. Nobody likes to admit weakness, but I kinda needed the lift. It’s been a less-than-good year, even though I try to live by the Norm Macdonald “ass cancer” standard of, “is blood pouring outta your ass? No? Then you’re okay.”

And thankfully, blood is not pouring outta my ass.

But jeez man, I harmed my one bad tooth last night eating a French fry…a FRENCH FRY, the cushy pillow of comfort food (I had a bag of frozen fries in the freezer, and, as I’m going to a hotel for a few nights, I wanted to finish off my frozen stuff so as not to waste it).

I don’t know how badly I harmed the tooth - I’m not in pain (it’s a dead tooth, long-ago root canaled, so there’s no nerves), but if an infection gets into my gums, I’ll Elephant Man again, as I did in February.

I’m a MESS! Honestly, I haven’t made one smart move since deciding to sell my house. Escrow was supposed to close May 20th, then May 23rd, now it looks like tomorrow, the 30th.

And then I have to do the “handing over the keys” ceremony like the fucking British leaving Hong Kong. There’s a teen asshole in the neighborhood who sets off cherry bombs at 2am to frighten the elderly. The least that prick can do is light a few for me as I give the keys to the buyer and walk away.

I like my real estate guy, but I do have a regret. When I was looking up local real estate agents in March, I saw that Sharon Tay, a former morning news anchor for our KTLA channel 5 (and after that KCAL channel 9), was now in the real estate biz. I had a crush on this Singaporean beauty like you wouldn’t believe. In 2003, living in an extended-stay hotel after having faked my death and not yet having discovered alcohol as a balm, her three-hour morning newscast is what kept me going.

I never liked Howard Stern in general, but when he brought his show to L.A. in the 1990s, and Sharon was one of the reporters at the press conference, he singled her out and made rude jokes about her to her face. After that I hated him with a passion.

I was tempted to call her, to offer her my house to sell (not to get into numbers, but it’s a HUGE commission for whoever would get it), but I didn’t, because I knew my motives were impure. I just wanted to meet Sharon Tay. She didn’t have the experience of the longtime agents who work this neighborhood - Sheldon Schmuckelberg or Parvous Navravi - so I talked myself out of offering her the potential to rep me, as I felt it woulda been like fake-throwing a ball to a poodle.

But now I wish I had. There’s so little beauty in my life. The movers took everything away yesterday, and I’m sitting in a barren room waiting for escrow to close, bags of trash, bags of junk everywhere, the rats amassing at the gates for their final invasion, and it turns out even a French fry can kill me.

I’ve had happier days.

But thanks to all of YOU, who met my GiveSendGo goal in only five days (and you’re STILL adding to it!), I’m happy. I thank you. As promised, I will begin posting my unused Taki pieces as soon as possible - probably Monday, when I’m in the Airbnb I reserved overlooking my beloved Century City.

And of course I will accept the new book deal, and I’ll keep you posted on how it progresses.

Also, please follow Clarissa’s Blog. Here’s some background on her. She’s a wonderfully supportive friend and she really helped promote the GiveSendGo. Please read her excellent blog, and follow her on X.

Alright, that’s it. I will see you again on Monday, in my new digs.

Maybe in great oral pain, maybe not. That’s the excitement of life, and the mystery.

Dammit I shoulda met Sharon Tay.