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Mike Carroll's avatar

Me: Hi Mr Bezos, can I buy a copy of David Cole's book?

JB: No, an actress with the IQ of a chihuahua with Down's Syndrome told us he was a Holocaust denier so we banned him. Would you like some spoiled meat instead? If you buy now you can get 10% off a stomach pump and free shipping if you are a Prime Member!

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David Cole's avatar

This made me genuinely laugh, Mike. Thanks!

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noochness's avatar

Another book not sold at Amazon is Easy Meat: Inside the British Grooming Gang Scandal by Peter McLouglin:

https://www.ebay.com/itm/387467384888

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Sonny Lopez's avatar

"...considering that the renaming is being done by a panel of blacks, the Natives might wish Newsom had left well enough alone."

By the store of locked-up Hennessy,

By the drowning Big-Sea-Water,

At the doorway of his housing,

Section 8 pays for its renting,

Hiawatha stood and looted.

All the air was full of curses,

"Mothafuckas" and "yo Mama's",

And before him, through the shoeshine,

Westward toward the neighboring hoodrats,

Passed in golden arches the drive-thru,

Passed the weaves, the french fry-makers,

Blasting, screeching out the rap rhyme.

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David Cole's avatar

You, sir, are a genius. We need to set it up so that when I finally kick the bucket, you can take over The Week.

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Sonny Lopez's avatar

I'm flattered! I don't have anywhere near the political experience or insight you have, but I am good with a cold fry joke.

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Sonny Lopez's avatar

A poem by Henry Wadsworth Longnigga

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Antoine Karidian's avatar

Whenever you drive by one of those independent, non-corporate owned gas stations run by Sub-Continentals and you see a big sign out front advertising Hennessy and Patron you know you're in the wrong neighborhood. My boss is a short, obese brother who considers himself the black version of Anthony Bourdain and lectures us endlessly on proper food, travel, and hotel etiquette. He's obsessed with "Woodford Reserve" and even took a weekend getaway to visit their distillery. I just saw an online add for Woodford and it was a black hand holding a fancy glass of it so I take it Woodford is another "black" brand.

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Sonny Lopez's avatar

I work in liquor and Woodford hasn't been claimed by them...yet. It's all Hennessy, Don Julio, XXL, and Taylor Port (pronounced "teleport")

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JW Booth's avatar

Having worked in automotive parts and repair, I know it takes some getting used to what a brother wants when he talks about a Cadillac Convertible.

(Hint: someone done sawed it off his car in the night and ran off wit it, and sold the precious metals to the ghetto cat man)

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Sonny Lopez's avatar

I imagine a lot of wrecks from drinkin' dat teleport!

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Tom Servo's avatar

Have a good Thanksgiving Dave and have a beer on me

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David Cole's avatar

You as well, and thanks for the beer!

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Gunther Heinz's avatar

It´s not really fair. You get to drink and write. I have to stay sober just to keep up with all this reading.

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David Cole's avatar

Try drinking and reading. Works for me!

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Gunther Heinz's avatar

When I was a little kid my big brother said that reading in a moving car would cause a person to throw up and choke to death on their own vomit. I very much believed it.

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Tyrone Banerjee's avatar

Happy Thanksgiving Dave and don't forget to watch corny low budget 70s flicks for the Holidays. It can only help.

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noochness's avatar

The Super Cops with Ron Leibman? That might have had too big of a budget.....

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Nov 25
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Sonny Lopez's avatar

I recommend Devil Story, a case of the French trying to do a slasher movie and the end product comes out so spectacularly WTF that it may as well be Last Year at Marienbad.

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Nov 25
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Sonny Lopez's avatar

"A regular demented, storytelling Homer" I should use that on my X bio, alongside my current one: "your favorite wetback moor."

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Nov 26
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Mike Carroll's avatar

Great job as usual! The Gaetz thing is mindblowing because the guy may as well be carrying a neon sign saying "Even By The Standards Of Politicians I'm A Scummy Perverted Creep". Anyone smarter than a banana slug should've known to avoid this guy like the plague.

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Patrick McNally's avatar

My impression is that Trump handled it smoothly by promoting Gaetz out of his job. Gaetz could have simply remained in the House. Trump got him out in a way that did not ideologically offend any MAGAists. Win-win for Trump. Jonathan Greenblatt and Kevin MacDonald can now both be happy.

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David Cole's avatar

That's a great angle on it, Patrick. Thank you.

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Bill Shepard's avatar

Some people judge life simply by how many blowjobs they receive. Sounds reasonable to me. Unlike Nick Fuente's, most blowjobs are over too quickly. That's because the Blow Job is served in a shot glass. Pour ½ oz Baileys, 1⁄4 oz Amaretto and ½ oz Kahlúa in shot glass and top with whipped cream. Enjoy!

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BigOinSeattle's avatar

lol the groypers are full of pdf files and homosexuals. The second wouldn’t be so much of a problem except that they are a bunch of hypocrites who dox and accuse others of being gay. Fuck em. (not literally please I don’t need that image!)

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Abdul Alhazred's avatar

pdf files lol nice, very funny & clever.

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Gregory's avatar

Helle Dave:

Kwitcher bellyachin' and write the dang book!! You lament about it in every post. You can successfully self publish the book because you have enough of a following, so a LOT of people - enemies and friends - will know about the book and buy it. If some nobody writes a book, no ones knows about it. But you're Dave! The deniers and groypers will buy it. The angry JDL and SPLC idiots will buy it, and maybe even write a scathing review about it, which will help you. And of course, Dave fans will buy it. (I'll edit it for you.) C'mon, you can do it.

Your Massachusetts lawyer friend, Massoutrage.

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Wanda's avatar

"Upon realizing that there’s such little connection between real-world smarts and SAT scores, Steve Sailer flew to Switzerland to use the suicide pod."

That's a great line, Dave! Alas, I am an example of a high scorer clueless in meat world, so I should get in line behind Sailer.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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David Cole's avatar

To you as well, Wanda.

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BigOinSeattle's avatar

Bless you bro. The amazon scoop sounds juicy. Did the state official give a reason for sitting on the story? Maybe they are going to make a big bust and they think it might tip amazon off? Maybe you could negotiate an exclusive scoop for agreeing to hold off for x days. ANYWAY, if they only ASKED you to sit on it you should not be in any trouble for running it. I don’t listen to Cooper because he’s boring. I did like his podcast on Romania and Yugoslavia though. Should've stayed at his government job, although I suppose we taxpayers should be happy? A little? Unfamiliar with his “Hitler is great” phase, is that for real or hyperbole? Because I don’t listen to Tucker anymore either. He lost his mind over the UFO crap and he is clickbait now. Ciao! No unsubscribe please! 🙏 peace and good health to you

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David Cole's avatar

Thank you! Happy Thanksgiving.

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Kate Cahill's avatar

Dave-- great stuff this week that perished! I got so many laughs-I had to read (out loud) at least 6 excerpts to my hubby (who always laughs and shakes his head!) Thanks for the pleasure!!!

and Happy Thanksgiving!!

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David Cole's avatar

To you as well. And I always love hearing about how much you enjoy The Week. Makes me very happy!

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SandyC4's avatar

Hi Dave, I've missed you. You have to stop making me laugh at people who die in stupid ways. I am greatly looking forward to these upcoming columns. In the meantime, I have something that you might have a little fun with. About 2 weeks ago I came across this BBC headline: "Outdoor spaces not welcoming for bigger bodies." My first thought was "If you're too big for outside you've got some serious fat going on there." Anyway, my son and I had a great time with this one over dinner. Eventually we got to the new Star Trek spin-off. The voyages of the starship Obesity. Among it's missions: finding a planet big enough for people that are too big for outdoors and finding those aliens from that Twilight Zone episode 'To Serve Man'. "Oh do we have a buffet for you guys." Happy Thanksgiving and I hope I gave you a chuckle in return for all the laughs you give to me.

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David Cole's avatar

Holy moly, I just Googled that story...you can COUNT on it being in The Week! I'm always so grateful for the suggestions I get from my friends here. Happy, Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.

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SandyC4's avatar

Thanks, Dave. I'm laughing already just thinking about where you can go with this one.

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JW Booth's avatar

That Twilight Zone episode was always my favorite. I remember, at the end, the subtlety of the actors becoming slightly irritated with the slow line onto the spaceship to meet their fate.

However, my dad and I agreed that the cost/benefit analysis of shipping humans back to their home planet for food was laughable. Why not just take over Earth and enslave mankind?

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SandyC4's avatar

Big fan favorite episode. Sure, just taking over the Earth seems more practical but it takes all the fun out of the story.

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Aaron Moser's avatar

I'm glad yout having your fun now David. Dumb fucks will ruin it eventually. I was gonna reply to your column from last week that some MAGAs are now saying no 2024 just proves, PROVES!, that 2020 was stolen.

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Brian P Henry's avatar

You’re welcome to have Thanksgiving here in outer Appalachia with the wife, the dogs and me, but in case you can’t make it we’d gladly buy you a beer, the traditional double Manhattan, or other drink of your choice.

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David Cole's avatar

The beers are greatly welcomed, my good friend. Thank you! May you, the wife, and the dogs have a very, very Happy Thanksgiving!

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Matt In The Hat's avatar

"Darryl Cooper [ ... ] cited me on a recent podcast, and then ran and hid when I asked him a pointed question." --- Is this downstream from when I mentioned here that he was on J. Burden? Can't wait for the story on this one.

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David Cole's avatar

Yes, you nailed it. And I thank you. I grew an entire column out of that one, though without much input from Cooper, what with him being too cowardly to reply.

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Valkyrie Ziege's avatar

* Thank you for the "AIR - Moon Safari" reference. I gave it a first time listen this morning. Good Album. It reminded me of the 1973 "Fantastic Planet"/"La Planète sauvage" soundtrack.

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David Cole's avatar

Air's been my "happy time zoning out background music" of choice for 24 years. Glad to spread the word!

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